2. I think the events that happened were easy to create and fun to write.
3. Some problems were how to end the story.
4. Helpful advice would be how to end paragraphs or to add more voacb.
Finding Philippe:
by Renee Stoltz
All of Deltreece's life has been about punk music and taking care of her best friend Philippe. Their friendship is stronger than any kind. But her relationship with Green Day is almost as strong. Both her friend and that band help her stay strong and get her through her days. Her parents are really hard on her and they treat her like dirt. They expect everything from her, so she stays away from them. She works at a small food shop in the middle of town. It's only her and another charming and handsome man named Ren. They have a flirtation-ship i guess. I forgot to mention, her best friend Philippe, is a sloth. Yes, a perverted, fat, lazy sloth who sits on Deltreece's shoulder and arm. Deltreece struggles with a problem though, she can't let her parents see that she has a sloth as a pet.
So during the summer, Deltreece has been working her butt off at that shop with Ren. She hasn't spent any of her cash because she is saving it for a concert at the end of the summer. Her parents would never allow her to go, but she wants to sneak out and see the concert with Ren and Philippe. Deltreece's plan is to hide Philippe in her shirt. It probably wont work but Philippe is her best friend so she couldn't not leave him alone.
The summer is now coming to an end. Deltreece is sick and tired of her family and just wants to go to the concert with Ren and Philippe. The concert is in two days and they are all excited. Deltreece packs a lot of sloth food in a bag in preparation. Hopefully Philippe will control his hormones and not sniff anyone's butts while they are there. He tends to do that a lot. He is a sneaky sloth! Ren and Deltreece are going to steal Ren's Older brothers car to drive to the concert. Hey, with strict parents, creates sneaky children.
So it's the day deltreece is going to see her soul mate (or so she thinks he is) on stage. Live. In person. To see all of his gorgeousness and flawlessness! Its 7pm and they are on their way. Deltreece still doesn't believe that her parents haven't found out yet. For such strict parents, they are dumb. After 2 hours of driving they finally reach the huge arena, and they can hear fans cheering and that gets her pumped up. This is the guy from her dreams. The guy she dreams to meet everynight at 11:11. The band she is obsessed with and now she has a chance to see their faces in real life. This is to much for Deltreece to handle. Her and Ren enter the building and see everyone with drinks and rock signs formed by their hands. After a short waiting time, the sound of Tre cool on his drums startled everyone. It was so loud and exciting. Billie Joe Armstrong jumps off a high stack of amps and screams in the microphone. THIS IS CRAZY! They start playing the song St. Jimmy which is one of Deltreece's favorite songs by them. Deltreece's heart and brain stop working. She doesn't notice anyone or anything, just Billie Joe, Mike Dirnt, and Tre Cool. She watches Billie strum on his guitar, Blue. He head-bangs his head and his black spikey hair goes all over the place and Deltreece covers her mouth and almost cries. She is so caught up in watching them, that she didn't even realize that Philippe was no where to be found.
"UGH Philippe! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SNEAKY --" says Deltreece as Ren cuts her off.
"Easy Deltreece. it's okay we will find him." says Ren sweetly.
"I know, but what about the concert.. this has been my dream since forever!"
" That sloth is your best friend. You have to find him. He is probably attached to another girl or finding food."
"Okay yeah you're right, lets go find him, but QUICKLY!"
Ren and Deltreece go around the arena searching for Philippe. He is no where to be found. They go around asking people if they have seen a sloth, but people just look at them like they're high on something. Maybe we should just give up, they both think. But they can't, because Philippe is just too important.They are then startled by an awful thing. They walk near the exit to check if Philippe went outside, but instead they find Deltreece's parents with their arms crossed. Crap. This wasn't supposed to happen.
"We knocked on your room door to ask about your grades so far. You didn't respond so we came in and OH YEAH HAHA you weren't there..." says her mom sarcastically.
Deltreece didn't answer them.
"Your computer was on your desk and we noticed you had an open tab. As good concerned parents we are, we clicked it and found a Green Day concert information site open. There happened to be a concert for today at this time and this place. Coincidence, I think not!"says her dad sternly.
"Can we guys just give me a break. I'm always trying to impress you and this was supposed to be a special night for me. I never have fun, i just work and study every other day. UGH i hate you!!"
"We want you back home immediately Deltreece!
"NO! i never stand up for myself and you're making me cause a scene right now!"
"Never talk to your parents like that! We have treated you decently you ungrateful worthless --." her dad didn't get to finnish.
Deltreece walks away with Ren and her parents scream for her to get back. Deltreece falls to the ground and starts to cry quietly. Ren hugs her and says its okay. He says that she is none of those things. Deltreece looks up at him and kisses him for a long time. She has always wanted to do that. Ren is shocked. He has loved Deltreece for a long time now. They both stand up and are greatful when Philippe jumps on Deltreece's back. They are so happy he came back.
The concert was still going on and Ren and Deltreece hold hands, with Philippe on her shoulder. They all are quietly listening to Billie sing. Ren pulls Deltreece closer and wrap their arm around eachother. After all this was a pretty good day. Deltreece finally stood up to her parents, she found Philippe, and she has Ren as her man. Deltreece hasn't had a better night. They listen to the beautiful sound of the band and as the night comes to an end. And well, Deltreece, Ren, and Philippe lived happily ever after...
The End :p
1. The conflict of the story was that Deltreece went to the concert with ren and philippe her pet sloth. When they end up losing phillipe she ends up seeing her parents there and she stood up to them and stayed at the concert.
ReplyDelete2. Deltreece changes in the story because before she used to not stand up to her parents and at the end she finally stood up to them and stayed at the concert.
3. My favorite part of the story was when deltreece first got to the concert
4.The dialogue and the story line was really good. Everything was described really good.
5. The storys theme is that you should stand up for yourself like deltreece did for herself.
6. You could change some of the wording